Fallen by the Wayside

It is cold out, very cold.  Like 1 degree above zero cold.  Why do we live in Minnesota?  For the three months of gorgeous weather a year?  It really does not seem worth it. 




Our poor pear tree in the beautiful snow


Couped up in the house, like a bunch of chickens in a chicken coup, is how my entire family is feeling.  My poor husband longs to go outside.  "You can boost me onto the tractor," he tries to negotiate.  "No," I state shooting down his dreams.  But, everyday I put on his shoes, his cleats, bundle us up and head out to the shop.  The sound of the snow and ice on our sidewalk crunches beneath our shoes and I silently pray that I can hold him up enough so that he will not fall.  He meanders around the shop, sometimes aimlessly.  He stares at projects, some unfinished.  Projects that have fallen by the wayside. Then asks to return to the house.  Crunch, crunch, crunch our shoes sound against the snow and ice.

Grandpa Dan pushing snow outside of our shop.  The snow is almost as high as his tractor.

Yesterday, I had meetings at school for the boys.  A progress report from Noah's teacher, and I am very pleased by how well he is doing.  This year is a good year for Noah.

The next meeting was very intense involving Abram.  I sat around the conference table with his preschool teacher (who is amazing,) Judy his care coordinator, Jeanne his occupational therapist (which was a surprise to me because she never told me she was working with him at school...but whatever helps Abram I guess,) the principal, Evelyn his PI, and the special ed teacher (who is also awesome.)  I sat quietly and listened to them try to figure out what they are going to do with my child next year.  "He should be sitting criss-cross instead of W sitting...he leans up on the walls at the end of the day because he is tired...what about phy ed...riding the bus...getting on the bench at lunch...how many days next year should he go to school...he should only write three S's instead of five..." on and on. 

Once again, I find my thoughts drifting to everything but the topic at hand.  It's not that I don't care, but I have sat in numerous meetings like this before.  Meetings about meetings trying to figure out what is best for him.  All they really have to do is ask me.  I am his mother (and his advocate) and I know what is best for him...so it really does not matter what they say in these meetings.  I will only agree to do what I think is best.

I find my mind meandering through thoughts about my ill child at home, my husband, our cat who now has a cone on it's neck, my mother who took off the afternoon from work so I could go to the meetings about meetings, and the New Years resolution list that I have not followed (except keeping up on my blog.)  I think about the knitting basket nestled in my closet and failing to learn how to knit again.  The new camera tucked away in my cupboard and a hopeful hobby fallen by the wayside. 

"He will go to three days of kindergarten next year and we will see how it goes," I respond.  They never argue with me, usually they sit quietly and write down what I have to say.  Everyone always looks so nervous.  "I will check up on his TLSO brace wearing schedule."  Homeschooling looks pretty good right about now.

After the meeting is over, I crawl into by ice cold car.  Tears clenching my throat.  I better get feeling sorry for myself out of my system before returning home to a double dose of reality. 

Life is busy, sometimes too busy.  And then you top it off with a broken husband, ill children, a child with special needs, and a cat with a cone on its neck...sometimes you just need to remember to breath.  And as the late great turtle from Kung Fu Panda once stated, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, to day is a gift...that is why they call it the present."

His Side-Kick

A dad is like a super hero to his children.  Someone who is invincible.  Dads can do anything.  That is how our boys view Aaron.  Now they see that their Super Dad is wounded and I am starting to see the impact that it has on them.

Noah and Abram are stuck to their dad like glue.  But, Noah is much more attached to his dad.  Maybe it is because he is older and more aware of what is going on.  He is at Aaron's beckon call.  He does whatever Aaron asks him to, without complaining (and mothers of pre-adolescent children know that not complaining is huge.)  Noah helps Aaron out of the car, into bed, takes his brace off and he sits by Aaron for hours on end.  If Aaron was a super hero, Noah would be his side-kick. 

I think part of Noah's vigilance is fear.  He wants his dad to be safe, protected.  I was rearranging furniture on our main floor and Noah was in the basement playing Wii in our family room.  I noisily moved a chair and within seconds Noah was at my side.  "What was that noise?  Did dad fall?" he asked with tears in his eyes.  Aaron was fast asleep upstairs, safely in his bed.  That was the first glimpse of the fear that I saw in Noah.

Everyone keeps telling me that out of something bad comes something good.  Well, I know that I have expressed that I am having a hard time finding the good in this situation.  But, as Aaron has been healing and life is getting easier, my eyes are starting to open.  Before Aaron's accident, he loved to work.  He always made time for his boys but, in other people's words, Aaron was a work-a-holic.  Now, I see a side of him with the boys that I have never seen before.  A bond that cannot be broken.  The love in our children's eyes for their father.  The kindness and patience that they have shown Aaron and myself.  That is something that we may have had before, but I can clearly see now.

The boys' (and mine) rock did crumble.  Aaron is the most fragile that they we have ever seen.  But, it is encouraging to see Aaron get stronger and better everyday.

Today I feel like I should follow in one of my best friends footsteps...you know who you are...and start to count our blessings (because I feel that we have been bombarded with detriments and I need to look for the good in our lives...this will be a good start:)

#1.  Great friends, family, and neighbors (pretty broad...I know but a good start)
#2.  Two wonderful little boys who are happy and healthy
#3.  My husbands improving health
#4.  Two fellow bloggers who keep me going (and two of the greatest friends a girl could have)
#5.  Neighbors (including a co-worker) who showed up out of the blue to clear out the snow in our yard...it was perfect timing because Aaron needed bowel care from McDonald's
#6.  Mothers and mother-in-laws who take the children when the stomach flu is in our home
#7.  A phone call from my brother-in-law just to see how I am doing (he always seems to call when I need him)
#8.  All of the delicious food that friends, family, and co-workers have given us

Today was a good day.  Aaron is enjoying a delicious root beer float from my co-workers.

#9.  Aunts and uncles (and friends) who take time out of their busy lives to organize a benefit for Aaron (after he has seen some the medical bills that have accrued, he does not think that it is such a bad idea:)
#10.  A warm house, gas in the car, hot showers, and vacuums that work...these are things that keep me sane

I know I left out The Man Upstairs, but I feel that he is laced within everything that I am thankful for.

Yesterday, Aaron and I hopped into the car and ventured off to his six week check-up.  Through the dreadfully thick fog we went to find the neuroscience clinic to see his surgeon.  The fog was so thick that it made Aaron and I claustrophobic...I literally had a panic attack when we were out in the middle of nowhere...taking various back roads...and visibility was about two inches.  But, through the grace of God we made it safe and sound. 

His doctor appt was full of good news.  Aaron has made lots of progress...


He has went from laying in bed for days to walking around by himself with a cane.  He's amazing!



This is Aaron in the hospital only about a month ago.

He even told Aaron that he became "famous" because of his surgery.  Apparently, Dr. Sherr was on TV for it and everything.  He presented Aaron's case in front of the "nerdy neurologists and ER docs at the hospital" and "they were all like 'that is totally cool'" (yes, those are the words of Dr. Sherr---not your typical neurosurgeon.)  Dr. Sherr and his PA, Rachel, said that Aaron is the "poster child for this kind of surgery."  They were amazed at how well Aaron is doing.  We were tickled with the good news.  We were on cloud nine. 


I was excited to pick up our children and head home.  A good friend of mine had left a pot of delicious soup in our fridge and yummy buns on the counter.  How lucky could we be?  After an exhausting day, we did not have to get fast food for supper and I thought that there was nothing to worry about.  Life is good.

Then we came crashing back to earth.  Abram was sick, thank goodness for grandmothers.  And, on top of everything else, the answering machine had a message that I needed to call the clinic about the results of my pap smear, and of course they are out of the clinic until Monday.  Ummmm....can that be good?  They usually send a post card in the mail that says your pap is negative.  I am sure that it is nothing, but I am a realist and one that has been slapped in the face with the "nurse curse" (if you are a nurse----you know what I am talking about.)  So, I faithfully have realized that nothing is in my hands.  Very little is in my control.  It is in God's.

So, once again, when it rains it pours.  Everything will turn out fine.  I know it will.  Just a few more bends in our road.

Surreal

Sometimes life passes you by, leaving you in the dust.  Sometimes, it feels as though the whole world in going in fast motion and we are completely at a standstill.  That is how I felt when Abram spent weeks in the hospital and this is how I feel now...but only sometimes. 

I was in love with our completely normal life before Aaron's accident.  My little family...

My wonderful husband...

All family photos were taken by Cassie.

Our two dogs and a cat...

Everything was so normal and drama free.  I would listen to people at work or friends passing by and they would talk about their life dramas.  I could not help but think to myself, "My life is so boring and I love it!"  Then a moment comes along, a split second, and everything changes.  But, little by little, I am falling in love with our new normal.

Again, I am so very grateful for our family, friends, and co-workers.  It was shocking (in a good way) how our community bonded together to help us in a time of need.  Neighbors, some of whom I very rarely spoke to, stopped over to our home with food and prayers.  Friends and family surrounded us with love.  And our true friends came shining through and were our rocks.


A couple of evenings ago the neighbors brought over a couple of German short hair puppies for the boys (Aaron) to see.  I told the boys (Aaron) that we will not be getting another puppy.  We live in enough of a zoo as it is.  But, it really brightened Aaron's day and it was nice to see him have a normal farmer conversation again. For a split second, I had forgotten that Aaron was not his old normal.  I forgot that Aaron has a fortune of metal in his back.  Through his laughter, I forgot that he has pressure sores on his legs and bowel and bladder problems.  But, then I saw the fading bruises and tape burns on his arms and it came rushing back to me.  We are still at the beginning of relearning each other.  And even though they (Aaron) begged for a puppy, we had to let them go back to their mom. 

Then, Valentine's Day rolled around.  Two of my insane over achieving friends, who I love dearly, made Aaron and I a delicious meal of homemade fettuccine alfredo, bread, salad, better then sex cake, and chocolate covered strawberries.  Then, my sister in law picked up Noah and Abram.  Aaron and I had a peaceful evening with fabulous food and quiet conversation.  Once again, I realize all that matters is that our family is together.  We are so fortunate to have each other.

Tomorrow we return to the doctor.  It is a day that I have secretly been dreading since Aaron was discharged from the hospital.  His rehab physician told us that at three weeks post-op we would see improvements in his leg movements, bowel and bladder functions.  That is how long it takes a bruised spinal cord to start to heal.  We are now at six weeks post-op and have noticed a few improvements. His bowel function is improving.  His balance is improving (he has graduated from a walker to a cane.)  But, his thighs still feel "different" and he still cannot pee on his own.  So, I am sure tomorrow we will be delivered good news and bad news.  I hope that we are prepared.

We seek refuge in each other and our friends and family.  Our friends and family send us little poems, sayings, and Bible verses that they feel are pertinent to our situation.  And, I will have to say that I love reading them, they always lift up our spirits.  The following is one that I received via email from a co-worker.  It is ironic because I had just been reading through Psalms and was having a hard time finding one that I felt that matched our situation.  I think that it is easier for someone who is standing outside, looking in, to see us and give us what we need physically and spiritually.

PSALM 62:5-8
 
"FIND REST , O MY SOUL, IN GOD ALONE;
MY HOPE COMES FROM HIM.
HE ALONE IS MY ROCK AND MY SALVATION;
HE IS MY FORTRESS, I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN.

MY SALVATION AND MY HONOR DEPEND ON GOD;
HE IS MY MIGHTY ROCK, MY REFUGE.
TRUST IN HIM AT ALL TIMES, O PEOPLE;
POUR OUT YOUR HEARTS TO HIM,
FOR GOD IS OUR REFUGE."

Homeward Bound

Yesterday, after delivering four car loads of stuff to our house, we were finally able to spend the first night in our own beds after a long month of sleeping at our in-laws, hospital beds, and sleeper sofas.  Our lives keep improving everyday.  Within moments, it felt as though we never left home.  We picked up right where we left off.  Some people may not think that baskets of medical supplies, putting two people in back braces everyday, and doing  bowel and bladder care is not anywhere near a normal, good life.  But, really, life is what you make of it.  And life can always be much worse.

It is a big adjustment moving home with Aaron and the boys.  All responsibilities fall on my shoulders.  Sometimes I feel like I cannot breath.  And in the silence that only night time can have, I grieve for the loss that I feel from my husband.  His broken spirit.  His bodily functions that are lost.  The longing on my boys' faces to play and horse around with dad.  The if onlys that run through my mind...  My dad used to always say, "You got a wish in one hand and a turd in the other, see which one fills up quicker."  And life goes on...

I never realized all of the responsibilities that Aaron had: snow removal, dog care, cleaning outside and so on.  I think of the widows that have lost their husbands, forever gone.  I feel so fortunate that Aaron is here on earth, alive and well.  And I love to watch him walk around the house.  The echo of his neurosurgeons words resonate in my ears, "It's a miracle...he was 1 mm away from not walking..."  The sound of his shoes on the tile is a rhythm I could listen to for hours. 

Aaron has worked so hard to get us to go home.  Walking never ending steps, doing physical and occupational therapy every day.  Tonight, he even helped me cook supper.  He made his famous, home made barbecue sauce.  It took a lot out of him but it was an accomplishment, a step towards our old normal.

It is hard for Aaron to constantly ask for help.  Can you reach this for me?  I dropped my cane, can you pick it up?  Sometimes he gets very frustrated because he cannot do a lot for himself.  Hopefully, with some rearranging in our home, we can promote his independence and self confidence.

So, on we go with our new normal.  Our children are wonderful.  I am very impressed with Noah's initiative to step up and be the big brother.  He even enjoys helping his dad lay down in bed and doing little things for him.  And Abram, well he is Abram.  Stuck to his dad like glue and constantly into mischief.

Again I find us on another bend on our road to recovery.  Fueled by a Higher Power, dedication to each other, and perseverance.  Every day is a new day filled with new opportunities and challenges.  Our mailbox continues to be filled with letters and cards that pour out positive thoughts and prayers.  Our friends, family, neighbors and co-workers continue to keep our tummies full (that really relieves a huge stress---even though I enjoy cooking.)  We pray for all of the people who have shown us kindness and generosity every day.  There are no words to express our appreciation.

An Adventure Home

Yesterday morning we were glad to have several visitors.  Our neighbors brought over a delicious lunch (which we felt very blessed to receive.)  Then, a couple of our best friends (and their two beautiful children) came to visit and that really brightened Aaron's day.  They took our kids sledding which was great.  I think that it is important to have them do normal, fun, winter activities with friends.  Even though their mom and dad are unable to go with them at this time.


The evening marked a new beginning.  Aaron and I took a car ride for a little while and then we ventured home.  Our home.  It felt so good to be home even if we were only there for a short amount of time.  The wooden steps, our own bed, the smells, everything felt so good.  I did not notice the nicks and scratches on the walls that I had seen before Aaron's accident.  The little pieces of molding that were falling off of the walls and the dirty windows did not phase me.  There are still a few Christmas decorations that I did not have a chance to take down, but I will, hopefully before spring.  All of these things would typically bother me but they just did not seem to matter anymore.  My eyes have been opened to the things that really matter.

Aaron carefully walked on our stairs and it went well.  I had him try to lay in our bed and that went great.  Now, all we can do is patiently wait for our friends and brother-in-laws to come over and put our handicap toilets in and grab bars on the walls.  All of these small things are necessities for Aaron and then we will be set to venture home.  Hopefully we can be home this week.

While we were at home, Aaron told me to make sure that the dryer vent was clear outside. 

"How do I do that?" I asked.  This is one of the many tasks that Aaron was in charge of at home.

"Here," he said after he glanced around our kitchen and spotted a wooden spoon.  Then he spied a foam sword in the basket of toys that had been temporarily revoked from Abram and Noah.  He handed me the boys' foam sword and a wooden spoon.

"What in the heck am I supposed to do with those?"  I asked, still confused as to what exactly I am suppose to do.  Adding to the confusion is a wooden spoon in my right hand and a foam sword in my left.  Hmmm...  "Take those and clear the dryer vent," he said laughing.  "Those [the spoon and sword] will work fine."

So, outside I trudged through the knee-hip deep snow with our Newfoundland Rex. 

We, Rex and I, made it to the dryer vent and I began digging with the ridiculously small wooden spoon.  And then Rex fought me tooth and nail to take the spoon and the foam sword.  I am sure I looked absolutely ridiculous fighting a 150 lb dog for a foam sword and trying to clean a dryer vent out with a wooden spoon but it was a task that I had to complete, and I did with the help of my buddy Rex.

A Day at a Time

Our lives have become a day at a time.  Every day Aaron progressively gets better and stronger.  I get asked quite often "how Aaron is doing today."  I simply answer, "he is getting better."  It is a simple answer, one that encompasses many meanings.  He is starting to sleep better, as am I.  His pain is managed better...or maybe he manages it better...I am not sure.  He is walking better.  His bowels and bladder could be better, but hopefully will begin to improve soon.

On another note---A couple of days ago someone brought over supper for us.  It was a very kind and generous gesture.  I had been up half of the night with Aaron, had been very busy with the kids, and could not remember the last time I did any personal hygiene...even my teeth felt fuzzy.  Then, this person asked me, "Do you really need to be with him all of the time?"  Maybe I took these words the wrong way, maybe because I was exhausted, had PMS, and was ready to rip my hair out, these words entered my mind the wrong way.  Shock covered my face.  No one has ever really questioned me about why I took a leave of absence from work...I thought people kind of understood.  I never had to explain myself.  Of course, I do leave for short amounts of time.  Twenty minutes here, thirty minutes there.  Run to the drug store to get stuff for Aaron or to the school for the boys or whatever other little tasks surface.  It is not like I am on a leisurely vacation.

If I had not taken a leave from work, Aaron would not have been able to come home.  It is as simple, black and white, as that.  He would have had to go to a rehab facility.  Aaron would have been away from his children, from our family, for many weeks.  Who really knows how long.  The nurses at the inpatient rehab floor of the hospital said that most people leave there and go to a nursing home.  But, because I am a registered nurse, he was released into my care.

I answered to this person, who I think just misspoke words, "Well...he can't get up by himself, he can't lay down by himself, he can't put his brace on by himself, he can't go to the bathroom by himself..." need I go on.  End of conversation. 

Our highlight of Aaron's therapy, besides our children, is our cat.  When Aaron is walking with his walker, she meows and whines until he stops.  Then, she hops onto the seat.  I have never witnessed a feline want to ride on a walker before.  This helps him walk longer and take his mind off of pain.  She also sleeps right next to him at night.  It is an interesting relationship.

The cat sleeping by Aaron...she is pathetic.

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A funny in-law note:  My mother-in-law, Chris, is a very kind hearted person.  She really is.  She purchased a lap top in hopes of learning how to use a computer.  My brother-in-law sent her an email containing a picture. 

Now, lots of people know that the little square photo on the computer is called a "thumbnail."  So, I was walking behind her while she was "working" on the computer.  I noticed that she was pressing the computer screen with her thumb nail.

"What are you doing?"  I asked her.

"Well, it says to press the thumbnail," she said.

"The computer screen is not a touch screen..." I started and proceeded to explain, trying really hard not to laugh, about what "press the thumbnail" means.

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Homesickness

Yesterday was a rough day.  Aaron was very painful and on top of the pain has not been sleeping at night.  And when he does not sleep, I do not sleep.  It doesn't help that Abram insisted on bringing our feline over to the in-laws and she thinks that she needs to sleep on my chest.  But I suppose she knows that I have a cold and is trying to help.  Either that or she is trying to kill me. 

The hardest part of the healing process is not getting any sleep.  With that comes short tempers and losing it with the kids...which I did last night...in front of the mother-in-law.  I felt terrible but I had had it with whining and using naughty words.  All moms, I know, lose their tempers with their children.  Patience is gone by the end of the day.  I did not yell or lash out, but their mind state is so fragile lately that all it took was a couple misspoken words and their tears were flowing.  All I could see was their cold shoulders after that. 

I apologized profusely to them.  I felt so bad but everyone is under a lot of stress and are currently in the midst of a life changing situation.  And lately, homesickness has set in.  We are all full of homesickness.  But, unfortunately Aaron is not ready to navigate the stairs or the bath tub in our home.  And it is going to be a little while until he is ready. 

So with school cancelled yesterday, mom having a terrible head cold, dad being painful, and everyone being struck with homesickness...we were not very productive.  But, I have said it before and will continue to say it, today is a new day.  By 0800 this morning I had Aaron up, bowel and bladder care done, showered, breakfast made, Noah fed and showered, Abram dressed and wrestled into his back brace, and actually showered myself (I could not remember the last time I had brushed my hair.)  And, with much prodding, hopefully Aaron will try another car ride today (sometimes part of his bowel care is a trip to McDonald's.) 

I can not see God's plan for us yet.  I am blind as to why this happened to our family and I may never know why.  But I feel in my heart that there is a reason because I believe that He always has a plan.  It has made me open my eyes and my heart to my friends (well, as lovey dovey as I can get) and has brought us closer to our neighbors.  We have found a new church and the congregation has opened their arms and said countless prayers for Aaron.  I am excited for the Sunday that I can take him back to church, as is he.  We are thankful for all of the love and support from everyone.